Bread: a pro/con list

The integrity of a sandwich lies entirely in the consistency and quality of the bread. This is why Jimmy John’s–in spite of fewer veggies on the line–makes a superior sandwich to Subway. BECAUSE NOBODY HAS TIME FOR THAT SOGGY-ASS LOAF SUBWAY PUTS UP. Even toasted it’s still a tasteless, crumbly mess. It can barely contain the flimsy ham slices and tiny triangles of American cheese they serve. Oh…and a good dinner roll can make or break an entire meal. When that basket comes to the table, those rolls better be crusty and they better stretch like mozzarella cheese when I tear into them. BECAUSE YOU KNOW I’M USING THAT ROLL TO MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF WHATEVER ENTREE SHOWS UP.

So, big surprise? I like carbs. But I’m not wasting my time on dense macros that have no flavor and no texture. Bread is IMPORTANT. Bread is essential. I’d rather starve than be subjected to an inferior loaf. Even if you’re not a carb-lover like me, surely you’ve experienced bad bread. Like when you make a sandwich at home with some loaf that an inexperienced bread shopper selected, and the whole thing crumbles apart before you can take a second bite. Then you have to tactlessly scoop the remnants into a mashed up wad, or WORSE, finish the sandwich with a fork and knife. It’s shameful. The wrong bread can ruin an otherwise well-constructed sandwich, not to mention waste literally MINUTES of work in the kitchen.

So how’s the bread in Norway, you ask? I–don’t–know.

I have yet to buy a loaf of Norwegian bread. Mostly, because I’m afraid of selecting the wrong loaf. Okay, that’s lie. I’m have superior bread instincts. But the bread in Norwegian grocery stores is sold as a whole loaf that you have to put into a terrifying bread slicer and bag up before purchasing. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. First of all, I will probably lose a finger in the bread slicer. The best bread in the world isn’t worth one of my digits. Second, I’ve seen many Norwegians fuck up this process and drop their sliced bread from the machine to the floor. Then what? Do you leave it there like a jackass? Do you pay for bread that you immediately throw in the garbage? I couldn’t stand the embarrassment.

However. Grilled cheeses are my LIFE BLOOD and this is how I’ve been making them:


I’m…using the weird open-faced sandwich buns that I’ve mentioned in previous posts. They are NOT meant for grilled cheeses. They don’t…toast right. And the don’t…taste right. I mean, it’s melted cheese on bread grilled in butter–IT’S NOT TERRIBLE. But it’s not the same. So I’ve decided to assemble a pro/con list for buying a loaf of bread.
Let’s start with the cons. Here goes:


  1. I could lose a finger
  2. I could drop the bread all over the floor and embarrass myself
  3. Fresh bread goes stale within a day (but…see Pro point 3)
  4. I might miss a step requiring a price check which will force me to speak English while I’m paying AND I HATE THAT SO MUCH
  5. If I fall in love with Norwegian bread, I may never leave


  1. I can stop feeling shame for being a fucking chicken shit about the bread slicer
  2. Evidently, the bread in the grocery store is sent back to the bakery if it’s not sold in the same day–so super fresh!
  3. I keep my bread in the freezer ensuring said freshness
  4. Good variety and it looks delicious
  5. Brød is one of the few Norwegian words I know and I should celebrate that

Well, the ayes have it, folks. I’m going to buy bread. It’s only taken me 10 weeks to come to this decision, but no decision as important as bread should be rushed. I’ll keep you posted on how the bread slicing goes. And if my post about it is riddled with typos, then you know Con point 1 happened.

Wish me luck!




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